Bubba Gum

Mars to Buy Wrigley

Should Mars Buy Wrigley?

Hello, I’m Dr. Murray Trillionaire–I’m the world’s leading self-help guru; they all come to me for advice, not to Dr. Phil. Now, it’s Warren Buffett, businessman and C.E.O. of Berkshire Hathaway.

Dear Dr. Murray,

Hi, it’s Warren Buffett. Do I have aggravation! I have been working over the last few weeks on a deal for Mars, maker of M&M’s, to acquire Wrigley, the chewing gum people. But over the last 24 hours I have been plagued with self-doubt. Is this a good move? Is chewing gum passe? Should Mars be trying to buy Venus (Williams, the tennis player, not the planet)? You know how I am, Murray! I work on something and then get plagued with self-doubt. I lack confidence in myself. It’s not easy growing up in Nebraska with a name like Warren. I’m a middle child too. Mother always preferred my younger brother Jimmy Buffett. I spoke with Bill Gates yesterday, and the only thing he could say was, “we can put a piece of Juicy Fruit in every Windows Office Suite!” Great! That’s really going to help. What should I do?

Warren “Wish I were a Murray” Buffett

Dear Warren,

Have you ever thought of having people call you Renny or WaWa?

Unlike sucking candies, chocolate bars, and lolly pops, gum has always had a hard time definining itself and has continually danced back and forth from a utilitarian to hedonistic perspective. In the 1960’s there were two types of gum: spearmint and peppermint (and in some more advanced societies like the United States, cinnamon). Gum was expected to freshen your breath. That’s it. Get in, freshen the breath, leave.

But then came around your 1970’s with its hippies and drug users and all of a sudden you see people like Sir Walter Bubblelicious and the Schwartz brothers (Hubba and Bubba) coming out with psychodelic flavors like Sour Apple, Strawberry-Kiwi (before this, nobody except for some people in New Zealand even knew what a kiwi was). Gum was now expected to entertain, to pleasure the senses. I smoke pot; I swing; I put one piece of Sour Apple and two pieces of Wild Passion Guava Mango in my mouth. Who cares about my breath?

Then came the 80s and the Reagans who would have none of that. Gum needed to become serious again. It had to have a purpose, and that purpose could no longer just be to freshen your breath. Now gum would be expected to whiten your teeth, improve your enamel, and get rid of plaque build-up. Things that would never be expected from a chocolate bar or a tootsie roll. Don’t get me started!

Well, the clock is swinging back, and people want pleasure. Organic and going green are big these days. So I’m really bullish (or is it bearish, I never can get these two terms straight) on a Zucchini flavored gum. Leeks are big ever since that book came out that says French woman are thinner than Americans since they eat lots of leeks. And of course, who doesn’t love carrots. Always organic. No pesticides.

And listen WaWa, we’ve put a man on the moon, we can put stents in the heart, do laser surgery where only 20 years ago, we were forced to do liposuction, but why does gum continue to lose its flavor after fifteen minutes? Why isn’t there a gum I can leave in my mouth all day? You got a moral responsibility, Renny. Go for it!

About the Author

Author of the soon to be best seller HOW TO BECOME A TRILLIONAIRE AND LOSE 20 LBS. Forget Dear Abby. Who wants Dr. Phil’s advice anymore. The world turns to Dr. Muray Trillionaire for insight. Murray Trillionaire has a doctoral degrees in Yiddish Country Music from Brigham Young University, and a second doctoral degree in the History of Medieval New Jersey from the University of Atlantic City. He is the founder of the psychological school of thought commonly known as Trillionairism that believes that the answers to all of mankind’s problems can be found in the lyrics of pop songs from the 80s. Visit his website at http://www.murraytrillionaire.com or his blog at http://blog.murraytrillionaire.com.

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